From Chaos to Clarity: My Journey With Tarot

Tarot wasn’t something I thought I would become an expert in at the age of 30 with a toddler in tow and a failing marriage. Secretly crying in closets? Eating my diminishing body weight in candy? Numbing out to the bright colors and soul-soothing sounds of reality TV? Those things would have easily been on my list of “Top 10 Things I Became An Expert In During The Most Hellish Time of My Life.” I didn’t know it at the time but I was suffering from a bad case of post-partum depression and my husband was a closeted alcoholic. Not a great combination when it comes to mental health. I didn’t even know how broken I was until the reality I convinced myself I was living in was shattered by my husband’s admission that he had been secretly struggling with alcohol addiction. His act of honesty allowed me to be honest with myself. There was no denying we both needed help and I had to do what I hadn’t done in a decade: focus on myself first.

I read self-help books, joined support groups, started taking meds for anxiety and depression, increased my monthly therapy sessions to 4 one-on-one sessions and 2 couples sessions per month, and focused on self-care and building more compassion for myself. I realized I lost myself in marriage and motherhood. I neglected myself for nearly a decade and helped to create a relationship that would likely win the award for most co-dependent couple if such a thing existed. I felt like I had woken up in a pit and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t claw my way out. I needed help and when my life felt like it was crumbling—a true “tower” moment—I finally dusted off my first tarot deck. That deck ended up being the most influential tool I used to heal.

But before tarot there was journaling. I filled an entire journal in three months. And as I closed the journal I had poured my blood, sweat, and tears into (literally), I felt exactly the same as I did when I opened it for the first time. How could all those pages of soul searching not bring me closer to my authentic self? I flipped through the entries and discovered I was hiding from myself. I had complete freedom to write about anything I wanted to and avoid anything I needed to and I took full advantage. I needed accountability if I was going to make actual progress. So, I started using my tarot cards as guides for my journal entries. I pulled the Empress so I journaled about my relationship to caring for myself and others. I pulled the 2 of Wands so I journaled about the passionate parts of my life and how they complement or conflict with each other. I couldn’t hide from the meaning of the cards. I might be able to interpret the card slightly differently every time it came up, but if you pull the Death card you’re going to be writing about death and rebirth no matter how hard you try to twist the meaning into something more palatable.

I filled three journals in two months and finally started feeling more alive. I’ve slowed down a bit since then, but tarot will always be a part of my life and the gratitude I have for the (arguably too many) decks I own is endless. 

A Moment of Honesty: I am a working mother and recovering people-pleasing perfectionist and as such I am in no way trying to give anyone the notion that I have some sort of pristine spiritual practice. I’m not waking up every morning before dawn to light a candle, pull a card, meditate, journal, etc. etc. It’s more likely that I’m having an especially chaotic day and suddenly realize it’s been over a week since I’ve done any sort of self-reflection so I pull a card real quick and jot some notes in a journal while I shove food in my face over my lunch break. Do I aspire to pull a card every morning and reflect while I slowly and peacefully sip my hot tea? Of course. Will that be my reality any time soon? Not likely. And for now, being gentle with myself when I remember to pull a card instead of pushing myself to pull a card every day feels like the kind thing to do. Maybe one day the kind thing will be to challenge myself. That day is not today. But I digress…

I wouldn’t be where I am without tarot. It gave me hope and guidance while I healed—it helped me to find myself again. I carry a deck with me everywhere I go. It’s become a trusted confidant, the keystone to my growth, and is something I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to share with others. I love witnessing what comes from spending time reflecting with tarot—the “aha” moments, the self-love, the growth, the connection.

I am deeply grateful to have the chance to help others find peace and embrace their authentic selves through working with these beautiful cards and hope to use this blog to write about the intersection of personal growth, spirituality, and tarot with posts about the cards and how their messages can be used in simple ways to support our mental health and wellbeing. From new tarot enthusiasts to seasoned practitioners, I hope this blog will serve as a space for everyone to experience the transformative power of tarot. So come along with me as we explore the depths of the tarot and discover the magic within ourselves.

Thank you for being here,

Taylor

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